List of Jim Rockford’s answering machine gags

„It’s Norma at the market. It bounced. You want me to tear it up, send it back, or put it with the others?“
„Hey Jim, this is Louie down at the fish market. You going to pick up these halibut or what?“
„Hey Rockford, very funny. I ain’t laughing. You’re gonna get yours.“
„It’s Morrie. Got a call from Davis at the IRS. You were right. They bounced your return. Call me.“
„It’s Laurie at the trailer park. A space opened up. Do you want me to save it or are the cops going to let you stay where you are?“
„Really want Simbu in the seventh? C’mon, that nag couldn’t go a mile in the back of a pickup truck. Call me.“
„It’s Aundra. Remember last summer at Pat’s? I’ve got a twelve hour layover before I go to Chicago. How about it?“
„This is the blood bank. If you don’t have malaria, hepatitis, or TB, we’d like to have a pint of your blood.“
„This is the message phone company. I see you’re using our unit, now how about paying for it?“
„I staked out that guy only it didn’t work out like you said. Please call me. Room 234. County Hospital.“
„It’s John Jones. What did you do to the hand, son? Three fractured knuckles! You hit somebody?“
„Hey Jimmy, this here’s Tida Skaret. Remember me? From the Army. I’m stuck here in town. How about I come over and bunk with you, buddy?“
„This is Mrs. Moseley at the library. We billed you for your overdue book Karate Made Easy. We abuse our library, we don’t get our cards renewed.“
„Mr. Rockford? You don’t know me, but I’d like to hire you. Could you call me at…my name is, uh, never mind. Forget it.“
„Rockford, this is Mr. Dow. If you think I’m going to pay to have your car repainted, you’re nuts. You can take your expense bill and stuff it.“
„Jim, it’s Jack. I’m at the airport. I’m going to Tokyo and I want to pay you the $500 I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back.“
„Mr. Rockford? This is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary Etiquette. We aren’t going to call again. Now, you want these free lessons, or what?“
„This is Mrs. Lindis. Three time this month I came to clean and it always look like people been fighting in there. Furniture broke, things tipped over. I’m sorry, but I quit.“
„Hey, Jim, it’s me. Susan Ellis from the laundromat. You said you were going to call and it’s been two weeks. What’s wrong, you lose my number?“
„This is Shirley at the bank. The answers are: no, no, and yes. No, we won’t loan you money. No, we won’t accept any co-signers; and yes, your account’s overdrawn. I get off at 4:30.“
„This is Thelma Sue Bigsley. It’s about the research I called you about, family tree. Did you talk to your daddy? We may be kin.“
This is Marilyn Reed, I want to talk to you…is this a machine? I don’t talk to machines.“

„Hi, Jim. We couldn’t reach you, so we went ahead with the job and I know you’re really going to dig it. But if you don’t I suppose we can always tear it out.“
„Rockford, this is Tony. Now, your car’s ready. Couldn’t reach you, so I went ahead and put in the new pistons. The tab’s $527.54. And this time we’re talking cash.“
„Jimmy, it’s Angel. Don’t pay no attention to my other message. You’re out of it. You’re clean, no trouble at all. Just ignore the first message.“
„Okay, pal, it’s Harry. I just checked my car. You kept the battery charged all right, you also put 3500 miles on it.“
„Hi, Jim. Thanks for the dinner invitation. I’d love to, but does it have to be the taco stand?“
„Hello-Jim-Rockford’s-machine. This-is-Larry-Doheny’s-machine. Will-you-please-have-your-master-call-my-master-at-his-convenience? Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.“
„Jim? It’s Shirley at the cleaners. You know that brown jacket, the one that I said looked so great on you? Your favorite. We lost it.“
„Hiya, Jimmy, it’s cousin Lou. Going to be in town a coupla days. Know you won’t mind putting us up. It’s just me and Aunt Sissy and B.J. and the kids and little Freddie.“
„Jim, it’s Beth. You have the vet’s number, the flea collar and extra litter. One thing I forgot, keep him away from the other cats. He’s not very discriminating.“
„Jim, it’s Maria over at the laundromat. There’s a yellow dress in with your things. Is that a mistake, or special handling, or what?“
„Hey, Jimbo, Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. Wanna help on the audit now?“
„Hi, Jim, it’s Jamie at the police impound. They picked up your car again. Lately, they’ve been driving it more than you have.“
„Hi, sonny, it’s Rocky. I got the bill and I’ve been trying to figure out what everybody owes on L.J.’s birthday party. Tell me, did you have the Pink Lady?“
„It’s Jack. The check is in the mail. Sorry it’s two years late. Sorry I misfigured my checking account and I’m overdrawn. Sorry I stopped payment on it. So, when it comes, tear it up. Sorry.“
„Horas fantasticos. La unique opportunidad en su vida la frescia rosarios llantas realiades. Call toll free – cinco-cinco-cinco, tres-uno-dos-uno.“ (Readable English translation: „Fantastic hours. A fresh, unique, lifetime opportunity from a chain of misfortunes in fact to lay in the shade. Call toll free – 555-3121.“)
„Jim, it’s Harry. We’ve been waitin‘ on you for two hours at the Forbes‘. Where’s the forks? Lasagna ain’t no finger food.“
„Sorry, Jim, this is for Rocky. Hey, Rock…Stan. Top that redhead and her sister. 10:30, Stacy’s Grill. **chuckle**“
„Mr. Rockford, Miss Miller of the Bartlett Book Club. Great Detectives of America is not in stock, so we sent you Cooking Made Easy. Hope you enjoy it.“
„Jim? Sally. Hey, I just found you were an Aries. Listen, if you have Virgo rising, give me a call.“
„Jim? Nadine Arcala at the Zodiac Restaurant. You don’t pay that dinner tab, we’re gonna repo your birthday.“
„Jim, it’s Eddie. You were right about Sweet Talk in the seventh. He breezed in, paid $72.50. But I didn’t get your bet down.“
„Uncle Jim? It’s Ralph. I got your letter, but I moved out here anyway. I really want those detective lessons.“

„Hi, just want to put your mind at rest. Found your address book in the theater last week. By the way, Carol’s okay, but Linda…“
„Teddy’s Tree House. You’ve won free landscaping services for one full year. We’ll mow your lawn, top your tree, mulch, seed, fertilize, and feed. Isn’t that wonderful?“
„Hey, Jim, it’s Frank. Me and Ellie’s down here for our convention. Can’t wait to see you. Should be over at your place about 1 AM. Banzai, buddy.
„Hi, this is the Happy Pet Clinic. Your father gave us this number when he left town. The calico stray had six kittens. Please come get them. Today!“
„Jim, thanks for taking little Billy fishing, he had a great time. Turns out he really wasn’t seasick. Um, have you ever had chicken pox?“
„It’s Shirley at the Plant and Pot. There’s just no easy way to tell you this, Jim. We did everything we could. Your fern died.“
„Dr. Souter’s office. This is the third time you’ve cancelled. Now, you have to have that root canal. A sore foot has nothing to do with your mouth.“
„Gene’s 24 Hour Emergency Plumbing. Your water heater’s blown? We’ll have somebody out there Tuesday. Thursday at the latest.“
„Tompkins at Guaranteed Insurance. About your burglary claim. Major loss all right. Funny you remembered to file, but you didn’t remember to pay your premium.“
„This is Dr. Souter’s office again, regarding that root canal. The doctor is in his office…waiting. He’s beginning to dislike you.“
„Jimmy, it’s Phil in Puerto Rico. This is real important. Talked to Mr. [line noise], he’ll pay $20,000. Call him at [line noise].“
„Bummer! I call up with some good vibes and some positive energies and I talk to a robot? Forget you, man!“
„This is the Department of the Army. Our records show that you are the „Rockford, James“ who failed to turn in his service automatic in May 1953. Contact us at once.“
„Jimmy, old buddy, buddy. It’s Angel! You know they allow you one phone call? Well, this is it.“
„Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?“
„Hi, um, I’m confused. Is this Dial-A-Prayer? Well, should I call back when the reverend’s in the office, or what?“
„George Devon, Malibu Space Watch. Had three sightings last week. You see anything unusual? Television reception interrupted? Call 555-1313.“
„It’s Pete. Hope you enjoyed using the cabin last week. Only next time leave the trout in the refrigerator, huh? Not in the cupboard.“
„This is Dusty, your father’s friend. So you helped me move, that’s it? See if maybe I don’t like the new place? See if maybe there’s some painting to be done?“
„This is incredible. Do you know last night I had one of my dreams? I dreamed that if I called you, you wouldn’t be home. And you’re not.“
„This is Doctor Souter. My nurse tells me you’ve blown four root canal appointments. Well, you’re finished in this office.“
„This is Toby. I forgot what I was calling for. Your recording is so boring. Spike it with some humor, some personality. Something.“

[loud traffic noise in background] „Jimmy, this is Angel. I’ve got this new pad, right over by the Hollywood Freeway, and some friends are coming. Borrow your record player?“
[Noises from large dog in background] „Jim, this is Donna. Boy, we’ve been swamped today. No, sit. We should be closing in about…sit. I’ll meet you at…oh, get down.“
„It’s Betty from up the street. I’m phoning all the neighbors because Spotty is loose. If you see him, call me. Oh, don’t wear musk cologne. Leopards have a thing about that.“
„This is Globe Publications. Our records show you did not return your free volume of the Encyclopedia of Weather. So we’ll be sending you the remaining twenty-nine volumes. You’ll be billed accordingly.“
„Jimmy, Lou. You owe me five bucks. Matarozo’s average in the ’68 Series was .310 not .315. Oh…and…uh…Fran and I are getting divorced.“
„Mr. Rockford, Sue Ellen. Our class is that having crazy scavenger hunt I told you about. If you’re wondering what happened to your trailer door, it’s going to win me first prize.“
„Hey, I saw your ad in the classified. Three African goats for sale. I keep calling and all I get is a machine. Is this a typo in the paper, or what?“
„So you put your machine on at night, huh? Just because I call you at 3 A.M.? You know how bad my insomnia is. Thanks a lot Jim.“
„Jim? This is Manny down at Ralph’s Bar. Some guy named Angel Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. Now he wants to charge it to you. You gonna pay it?“
„Hey, am I too late for those African goats? Haven’t got the whole three hundred cash, but, like I’ve go a whole lot of homemade cheese. Maybe we should work something out.“
*Beep* „Hi, there. If you are interested in selling a product by a computerized telephone sales *beep* stay on the line and one of our repesentatives will speak with you.“
„Jim, it’s Grace, at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You don’t have $500. You have $50. Sorry, computer foul up.“
„Hey, Jimmy, I tried to catch you before you left. Hey buddy, I was wrong. The rally in Mexico, it was yesterday.“
„Jimmy Scott? This is Aunt Bea from Tulsa. Cousin Randy just graduated from high school and wants to be a movie producer. Now you live out in Hollywood, you just do something.“
„Jim, I have finally finished twelve long years of psychotherapy and I’m now able to tell you just what I think of you. Would you please call me?“
„This is Mrs. Owens with the Association For A Better Malibu. Thanks for your contributions. We’ve made real strides, but it would help dear, if you could move your trailer.“
„Here’s the tally, Jimbo. You had Atlanta at even money, tough break. And you got bombed in the Duke-Wake Forest fiasco, and you split the Cornell at Hollypark. So you’re in the book for $4.50. Anytime before Friday, huh, buddy?“
„Bill Skelly with ICO. I’d like to interest you in some new private detection, including the 44OA Telephonic Bug. We’ll demonstrate it in a friend’s home for one full week, at no charge.
„Okay, Jimbo, Dennis. I know you’re in there. And I know you know it’s ticket season again. Policeman’s Ball and all that. So come to the door when I knock this time. I know you’re in there.“
„That number four you just picked up from Angelo’s Pizza? Some scouring powder fell in there. Don’t eat it. Hey, I hope you try your phone machine before dinner.“
„Good morning, this is the telephone company. Due to repairs we’re giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at 10 o’clock. That’s two minutes from now.“
„Sonny, this is Dad. Never mind giving that talk on your occupation to the Grey Power Club. Hap Dudley’s son is a doctor and everybody’d sorta…well, rather hear from him, but thanks.“

„Say, I’m the one who hit your car at Fork City, I’ve got no insurance, I’m broke. But, I really wanted you to know how sorry I am. If it makes you feel any better I hurt my arm.“
„Hello? Are you the guy who lost a wallet in the Park Theater? Well, I’m kinda like into leather. So, I’ll be returning the money, but I’m going to keep the wallet.“
„Jimmy, Angel. Here’s a tip, but his handwriting’s bad. Third Son in the fifth race at Bel Meadows. Wait a minute, could be Fifth Son in the third. Wait, this might be next week’s race.“
„Pacific view lots. Perpetual care by people who care. At an unbelievably low price. Call Montief and Snell, the full service mortuary. We won’t rest easy, until you rest easy.“
„Jim, Chet, returning your call. Sorry I missed you, but I appreciate you calling back. And if you call again and I’m not in, just leave your message and I’ll get back to you.“
„Jim, directions to the party. Left on Sagis, you’ll se a rock. Left, left again, right, another left, there’s kind of a hill–keep going you’ll probably see a bunch of cars.“
„Rockford? Alice, Phil’s Plumbing. We’re still jammed up on a job, so we won’t be able to make your place. Use the bathroom at the restaurant one more night.“
„Jim, I have to thank you for talking over my problems with me last Tuesday night. I love you for it, but can you have lunch tomorrow to talk about the divorce? I’m real bummed out.“
„Jim, I leave London four o’clock, arrive L.A. nine. I guess that’s London time. Yeah, four to nine is five, minus twelve flying… no, plus twelve. Ah, but then there’s a time change.“
„Rockford, Jake at the Sand Pebble. Sorry old buddy, but there have been gunshots around your place once too often. The neighborhood association wants to have a talk with you.“
„Jim, you give Peg the two hundred for the painting. She owes me seventy and I owe you forty-six for the Christmas trees. Harry’s still out sixty for the dinner, but at least it’ll void that check.“
„Sonny, this message ain’t for you, it’s for me. I just want to pick up the ladder at the Paint Mart.“
„Jim, Coop. I’m at the address you wrote down for the poker game tonight. This is a gas station, it’s closed, there’s no one around and my car is stalled. Now, you got to call me at 4-6-6-3-*click*.“
„Miss Hollroy, City Federal. Your lost check still hasn’t arrived. It’s impossible for us to lose checks, so unless we received full payment by noon today we’ll foreclose.“
„Jimmy, Angel. Listen, Eddie Talliferro just gave me a hot tip on a class filly in the eighth at Holly Park. Only trouble is I need twenty.“
„Mr. Rockford, Arthur’s Hi-Fi. Your stereo is ready, but since your warranty expired in the two months it was in our shop, you’ll have to pay the $60 on the repair.“
„Mr. Rockford, you know what if you are attacked and killed? Ask for Albert Kimcee at grand opening of Happy Dawn School of Secret Arts. Win free lesson.“
„Jim, this is Florence Boyle, you worked for my husband last month in Glendale. You were so helpful then, and, well I have a problem of my own I’d like to discuss. Confidentially, of course.“
„Jim, Joel Myers at Crowell, Finch, and Merriwether. We’re going to court tomorrow with that Penrose fraud case, but steno misplaced your 200 page deposition. Could you come down tonight and give it again?“
„Mr. Rockford, Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your renewal before the extended deadline, but not your check. I’m sorry, but at midnight you’re no longer licensed as an investigator.“
„Jim, Denny from Denny’s Pest Blasters. Got a great deal for ya. We’ll rub out your rodents at a tremendously low cost. So call us, we’re in the the Yellow Pages and we mean business.“
„Jim, this is Andrea at Todd’s Food Mart. Listen, there’s a guy down here by the name of Angel Martin whose charge $110 worth of groceries to your account. Is that okay with you?“

„Jim, this is Cal of the Leave The Whales Alone Club, Our protest cruise leaves from the pier Saturday at 3 AM. The whales need you, Jim.“
„This is Betty Frinell. I don’t know who to call, but I can’t reach my Food-Aholics partner. I’m at Vito’s on my second pizza with sausage and mushroom. Jim, come and get me.“
„Jim, this is Janelle. I’m flying tonight so I can’t make our date. But I’ve got to find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim. It’s only two days and you’ll see, Great Danes are no problem.“
(sung) „We’re down at Hennesey’s Bar, Jim, having a drink or two. You better get down here quick, Jim, or we’ll probably take your stool!“
„Jimmy, this is Dora. I’m gonna move in with the kids, but I’ll sure miss you, dear. Thank you for taking out the garbage every week. I’ll send you a card for your birthday.“
„This is Maria at Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client Todd Lehman skipped and his bail is forfeit. That’s the pink slip on your ’79 Firebird, I believe. Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.“
„Jim, Dwight. I put a new outlet in the kitchen. I lay in the cable and the box. Then I pull the breaker just like you said. And both of my tv sets start burning. What should I do now?
„Billings. LAPD. You know Thursday is Chapman’s 20th year, and we’re giving a little surprise party at the Captain’s. I think you should come. By the way, we need five bucks for the present.“ (This is the same message played in the pilot episode and is the only machine message played more than once through the entire series run.)
„Oh, I thought this was Dial-A-Joke. I’m going to a party and I need some icebreakers. But, uh, I guess that’s…that.“
„This is The Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Okay, meet me at 1 A.M. behind the bus depot, bring $500, and come alone. I’m serious.“
„Mr. Rockford, this is Betty-Jo Withers. I got four shirts of your from the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don’t know why they gave me men’s shirts, but they’re going back.“
„Because of where you live says so much about you, your home has been selected by Royal Imperial Roofing and Siding as our neighborhood showcase. A bonded representative will call on you.“

„Jim, it’s Benny. I know your sewer’s backed up, but I can’t get out there today. Maybe your buyers won’t notice.“
„Jim, it’s Paul. Hey, I’ve been waiting for two months for that invitation, buddy. Are you going to get that new sportschannel before the Rams leave L.A.?“